The Truth About My Child Telling Lies
Girl worried about her lies.
When our children are little, lying can seem almost humorous at times. When you ask a two-year-old, “Sadie, did you take a chocolate chip cookie from the cooling rack?”, you see her immediately shake her head and hide the half-eaten cookie behind her back saying with melted chocolate on her lips, “No Mommy, I didn’t.”
It’s kind of cute and almost laughable. What is it about these little lies that somehow seem funny? It’s because they haven’t learned how to lie well yet.
I babysat two little girls while their mom was away. When she came home, I shared all the fun things we did. Then I mentioned that while playing the Candyland game, 5-year-old Alexa would move 4 or 5 extra spaces on her turn so she could beat her little sister. When I said, “Alexa, you moved too many spaces”, she looked me directly in the eyes and blatantly said, “No, I didn’t.”
As I shared this with her mom, she laughed—not an uncomfortable embarrassed laugh. Alexa’s mom really thought it was funny. It was funny that her daughter had perfected lying at age 5. I cringed thinking about what this habit would look like in ten years. I thought she will probably be doing drugs, sleeping with boys and before her teen years are over, be in jail. I shook my head trying not to think that this was possible for sweet little Alexa.
Lying is a character quality that has devastating consequences.
What does lying do to relationships? Lying erodes trust and puts barriers in relationships. Both in our relationship with the Lord and with others. It’s like turning your back on a friend or slapping them in the face. You can feel it. It’s a gross, negative, dreading feeling. The more lying progresses the more tentacles wrap around trust and squeeze like a boa constrictor, causing our relationships to be choked. Trust dies and many times love dies with it. When trust is gone, we feel betrayed and hurt and put-up barriers to protect ourselves.
Often times people lie because they want something that gives them enjoyment or comfort. Other times they have already experienced the enjoyment or comfort and then lie to keep others from finding out or to keep them from being hurt by our actions. Here’s an example: a man named Rich desires another woman and has an affair with her. When his wife questions him about being late, he lies to cover his choice. By lying he has immediately put a huge wedge in their relationship and trust erodes.
In reality, the wedge started way before the affair began. It started in his mind when he allowed inappropriate thoughts about the other woman. These thoughts mushroomed into an affair. Soon he came to a point of having to lie to cover his affair. Lying erodes trust and destroys the good in relationships. It allows us to be drawn into things that seem like they will satisfy, but only end in destruction, with lives torn apart.
Mom emotionally distraught from consequences of lies.
If Rich had made a decision earlier in his life to be an honest person in everything—that he was not going to lie about anything, he wouldn’t have had the affair. Because when that affair was still a thought in his mind, he’d think, “if I head in that direction, I’ll have to lie to cover my choice and I won’t do that.” End of story. Look back at the bad choices you’ve made in your life, whether it was sneaking out to meet up with a guy in high school or using illegal drugs. I’d guarantee when you made the decision to do them, you knew you were willing to lie to cover your actions.
What does the Bible say about lying? The Bible is very clear that lying is wrong and damaging to our lives. Here are two of many verses on the subject: “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.” Proverbs 12:22. That means the Lord hates lies. It doesn’t mean he hates us, just our lies. Also, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep . . . your lips from telling lies.” 1 Peter 3:10. Lying definitely affects the quality of our lives.
Deciding in advance to live an honest life helps you make the right choices in your relationships and life.
Teen living the consequences of lying.
What does allowing our children to lie do to their health and future? It allows a habit to begin that starts to erode trust and lays the groundwork for all sorts of disastrous consequences in their lives; broken friendships, divorces, being fired from jobs, drug addiction, unwanted pregnancies and so much more trauma. Not only that, lying is bad for our health.
What does lying do to the liar? Lying keeps us from our potential. It keeps us from enjoying a long meaningful life. Lying is a slippery slope. Over ten years have gone by since I babysat Alexa. She has gone through much of what I thought she would and more, including attempts at suicide. She is very unhappy with her life.
Lies start little. We get more and more comfortable with lying and then begin to move onto whoppers. The more we lie, the more our conscience is deadened. Soon lies begin flowing out over and over. Add ten years to that behavior and it becomes devastatingly destructive to our life and relationships.
How should I respond when my child lies? Don’t freak out. Take a deep breath and stay calm. Almost all children go through a lying stage. Gently tell them that lying isn’t something we do in our family. Have them acknowledge their lie using an “I” statement. “I took the chocolate chip cookie. I am sorry, will you forgive me?” Then set a boundary for the future by saying, “If you lie again you will receive [_______] as discipline. (Remember to be consistent and follow through the next time.) Finish by saying, “I forgive you. And I want you to know that I love you and always will.” Then give them a hug.
How we respond to lying affects our lives as well as our children’s lives. Let’s tell ourselves the truth about lying and choose to live an honest life, teaching our children to live honestly as well. Then we can enjoy life and have many happy days.
