How To Control Your Emotions When Your Children Frustrate You
Woman pausing to evaluate her emotions, pondering how to handle them. Photography by Jeremy Bishop
Emotions within us rise when our daughter yells, “No!”, after you calmly ask her to “Please take your cereal bowl to the kitchen.” It is especially tough because there is emotional residue left from the evening before when you fought with your husband over finances and had to drag yourself out of bed three times to care for your sick son. This morning your daughter refuses to get her shoes on. All you are trying to do is get everyone out the door before they are late. Then you hear, “No!”, you don’t want to respond in anger like your mom did, but things just keep building up.
You probably can feel the emotions of this just reading this scenario. Moms experience these frustrating situations probably multiple times a day. So how should we respond? We’ve got two situations going on here; our emotional response and how to handle your child’s response and disobedience.
Always start with your response first. Remember, your negative emotions are valid and not inherently wrong. It is what you do with those emotions that determine whether they are right or wrong. Emotions such as frustration or anger are a God-given response that say, “Wait, something is not right.” We need to pause; acknowledge how we are feeling and evaluate why the emotions are present. It is more than that little “No!”, that has pushed your buttons. It’s the fight last night, the sleepless night, and the stress of raising a family. It may even be fears that we are failing as a parent. But let’s go back even further, your reactions most likely have roots in your own childhood. It’s probably a combination of all of these and more. Once you can define why they are there, you can think about where those emotional responses will lead if you just let them rule. It takes a measure of self-discipline to analyze your emotional process and response, but the result is a calm behavior which enables you to think more clearly about your circumstances. By pausing to evaluate the situation, you are giving yourself space to get your arms around the emotion so you can decide how to best respond to the feelings instead pf reacting to them.
The Lord wants us to understand what is really going on in your heart. Recognizing when you are being selfish and when you have your need to submit to Him, so He has control to renew your thoughts and attitudes. “God wants you to understand what is in your heart.” Daniel 2:30 Photography by James Day
Because our emotions and feelings don’t just disappear, moms either try to stuff them inside and forget about them or vomit them out on their family. Neither option is beneficial for you or your family. So, what can you do with them?
If you are a Christian mom, you have the perfect place to take them and leave them. When you feel an emotion rise within you, take a moment to get your arms around your emotions by evaluating what is causing them and by asking yourself:
“Does my emotional response lead me to a Christ-centered place or draw me away from letting Him lead?”
When we release the weight of our anxiety and emotions to the Lord, we are allowing the Holy Spirit to renew our thoughts and attitudes. “Let the Holy Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.” Ephesians 4:24
If the answer draws us closer to him then, that emotion should be encouraged. More often though, our response is a reaction to our own self-oriented desire being impeded or thwarted. Our child is making our day harder.
We have selfish responses every day. Beginning to surrender them to the Jesus allows him to reign as Lord of our life and he gives us his divine peace and love. “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24
In these moments, self-oriented emotions are ruling our life rather than the Lord. We must take that armful of selfish responses and let it go in silent prayer, saying, “Lord, I’m angry and frustrated! I give you control of these emotions. I lay them at your feet. Please take control and help me respond the way you want me to. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” With this declaration, you have given the Lord’s Holy Spirit permission to renew your thoughts and attitudes…and He will.
Be aware of how your heart has immediately changed. If there is still resistance left in you, keep talking to the Lord, continually surrendering your right to respond to your children that way. Soon you’ll notice your attitude has changed, though the situation may not. The Holy Spirit has given you divine support to handle your emotions and the ability to show love and kindness to your children, rather than selfishness.
Here is a quick recap on how to teach yourself to let go of selfish responses and allow the Holy Spirit to replace them with love, patience, and kindness:
1. Feel the Emotion: Don’t automatically react to it or stuff it down inside.
2. Embrace the Emotion: Evaluate what the emotion is and where it is leading you. Think endgame.
3. Direct Emotion: Cry out to the Lord and surrender it so the Holy Spirit can work.
4. Redirect Unhealthy Emotions: Bring Christ back to the center:
a. Laying it at the feet of Jesus.
b. Refocusing your mind on allowing Him control of you in the situation.
c. Make your decision as irrevocable as possible. Confess it and tell someone.
d. Focus on prayer, worship music or scripture.
5. Experience the Healthy Emotion: Embrace it. Praise the Lord who is now in control of your life and the situation.
The Bible shares this principle in Romans. “So letting your sinful nature control your mind (Which is us trying to control the situation ourselves.) leads to death, but letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.”
When we try to control our life, we are dethroning the Lord from his rightful place in our life. “So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death, but letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.” Romans 8:6
Our next two blogs are exploring When and How Do Moms Discipline Your Children in a Healthy Way? and How to Calmly Discipline Your Children When Emotions Are High. At this point, we have dealt with our own emotions and have calmed ourselves. Now that we have our own heart in the right place, we are ready to respond to our child’s disobedience with patience, kindness, and love.
